Tag Archives: Death

It’s My Fault.

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I woke up and asked myself “If I died today…?” I fought to answer it. I fought harder to finish asking the question. Then I turned over in my sheets and I went back to sleep.

I napped after lunch. I took another nap before dinner.

My world spins a bit before I lock it down, leaning against a wall. My friend doesn’t notice. We keep shopping. I don’t mention it. Secretly, I hope she notices, but I am over it and she is talking about something else.

I am gaseous constantly. It’s a reminder of the weekend’s food poisoning or stomach flu that had me moaning on the floor on Friday. Whatever it was, it has left me with episodes of diarrhea that have left me dizzyingly dehydrated.

I am at my friend’s place for dinner. I forgot to bring vegetables. People are coming over. When they arrive, I remain staring at the television.

If I died at midnight, in an hour and a half…I would just turn over in my sheets and go to sleep.

I feel angry. Depressed. Alone.

It is all my fault.

It is my fault that I didn’t finish asking myself, “If I died at midnight, how would I spend today? If I died before 6pm? Noon? In five minutes?” It is my fault that I rolled over and went back to sleep. It is my fault that I didn’t get off of the couch before lapsing into another nap. It is my fault that I didn’t tell my friend that I felt unwell. It is my fault that I didn’t talk to anyone. Even the diarrhea is my fault.

It is all my fault.

It is all my fault and I can and I will fix it.

Starting now.

Last Moments

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I like to say that I will die at 29. Last night, I had to consider moving the date up considerably.

I went to open gym at a nearby facility and I was trying to throw double backflips on trampoline. Towards the end, I managed to injure myself. I rely on third party witnesses for a description of what happened because, well, I don’t remember.

Apparently, I over-rotated on the second spin and came down hard on the trampoline, which sent my knee flying into my temple, resulting in a nice bruise. After a few moments of nausea and lying on the floor moaning, I shrugged it off and went back to flipping.

AFTER driving back, and AFTER dessert, and AFTER showering, only then did I discover that I became horrendously dizzy when lying down with my eyes closed. I might have had a concussion. But I was unwilling to go to the Emergency Room. Why? Because I am stupid.

Anyway, I was bent on trying to sleep a second time, but knowing I might have a concussion, I was forced to consider the possibility that I might not wake up. What I did then was so indicative of the kind of person I am.

Faced with my own mortality, I didn’t tell anyone I loved them. I didn’t write tearful goodbye letters. I didn’t write a will and final testament.

Instead, I wrote down all my passwords and logins and saved them where anyone could find them on my computer.

I don’t know what that says about me.

What would you do if you knew you might not wake up tomorrow? What does that say about you?

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On Immortality

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Sunday Morning Breakfast Philosophy

Yeah, we had bagels. Maybe we should have hit up IHOP...

Last weekend, I had an interesting breakfast conversation with my good friend Sonicsuns regarding immortality. Naturally, the question came about – would you take immortality, if given the choice? To which he and I had opposite responses.

Sonicsuns (henceforth SS) said, as a matter of fact, that yes he would. I, of course, opted for death, to which SS asked me, “So, at which point would you like to die?” which completely blindsided me. Thank you for that.

I like to say that I will *probably* meet my end around the age of 29, just due to probability of being hit by a bus or jumping off of something just a smidge too high this time, but in all seriousness, I wasn’t able to answer that question until I was driving away later.


The Case for Immortality:

SS: “I do these things not for a fear of death, but for a love of life.”

SS basically said that the things he does and enjoys in life are a product of loving life instead of fearing death. We don’t write love letters while thinking about our impending morality, generally, though that would be a poignant vignette. Meanwhile, I was attempting to advance the point that death brings meaning to life – that, given infinite life, progress is inevitable and therefore meaningless. This hooked us into a conversation about the dichotomy of progress and contentment that I’ve been subconsciously mulling over in my head, with Contentment as Yin and Progress as Yang.

SS saw Contentment as laziness, but I felt that was just casting things into terms of Progress. Laziness is the absence of Progress, whereas Contentment is the refutation of Progress. But, as SS pointed out, I was still reaching toward something beyond that dichotomy. I came to it as I left his house and started driving away.


The Case for Death:

Kung: “I guess what it comes down to in terms of immortality is the advancement of humanity to the point were nothing is out of our control.”

It was about Control. The point was similar for Contentment and Progress. Progress is the clenched fist controlling and altering the future, whereas Contentment is a hand left trailing in a gentle, flowing river. As a risk taker, a daredevil, and a tricker, the primary characteristic of my life has been overcoming fear. But to take away all fear, to control every aspect of life, including death, is to take away the zest of living. I don’t know when I will die. I don’t really care. Today is a miracle because tomorrow I could be gone. Neither is it fear. It is the joy and yet melancholy of a single snowflake. I have no urge to control that, and so to answer the question, “When do you want to die?”, I would answer, “When it happens.”


To Control death absolutely is farther than I’m willing to go. To limit ourselves from that ultimate test of courage is, to me, a damn shame. Someday, I’m going to see what’s on the flipside, and I’d love to tell you about it when it happens, but…

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