Tag Archives: brian kung

College: A synopsis

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Synopsis

Year 1:

  • Our intrepid hero discovers that he’s not going to college.
  • I make plans
  • I go to CLC, commuting half an hour to school every day.
  • Initially, I plan on doing preveterinary. I take the required classes.
  • Zoology is fucking awesome. Unfortunately, there are dissections during lunch, and I am a hungry Chinese boy. Tantalizing animal bodies in front of me.
  • I ace the first test in biology. This sets high expectations for me in the class, especially since I talk to the professor, a veterinarian, about becoming a vet.
  • Both semesters, I fail to sign up for chemistry in time. I hate chemistry.
  • I tentatively join the Asian Student Alliance at CLC. I am walking by and I see the sign. Someone welcomes me in. Thai is the president at the time. He is charismatic and well dressed. Kind of looks like a Hong Kong gangster.
  • There is a free food event for ASA. My allegiance is solidified.
  • I meet Doug, Shelah, and many others.
  • By the second semester, I begin to investigate how I can become more active in student life. This means wandering into offices and asking about stuff and looking up all of the clubs, which, conveniently enough, are all listed on a single pamphlet.
  • I am taking Japanese and Chinese. I would take Korean as well, but as it so happens, CLC does not offer Korean. I am shooting for “Asian.” Why not embody what it means to be Asian, right? So I take classes on Asia and I study the languages available to me.
  • Chinese is great with Professor Liu. The two semesters I take Chinese with Professor Liu, I make lasting friends and we even have a final exam at Professor Liu’s house, with a 10 course meal prepared by himself and his wife. With the famed noodle machine. I also learn Chinese the best in this class.
  • By 2nd semester, I switch to Economics as a major because I’m fairly sure I never want to take chemistry.
  • I take classes over the summer. Do I? I think…yes. That is the year I take a Dance class and singing lessons as general requirements. Thankfully, Transfer.org did not steer me wrong.
  • I am also involved with Stevenson stuff. My ex and I start going out as a direct result of her asking me to come back for World’s Fair.

Year 2:

  • I start off Fall as a Economics major. I am taking 21 credit hours to graduate a semester early.
  • Joined Program Board as an Intern and helped put together events. Met a lot of friends.
  • I write for the CLC Chronicle as well, where I meet Rose, Ruth, and that other guy whose name I keep forgetting.
  • I am elected President of Asian Student Alliance pretty much because people expected me to stand up and be voted upon and I’m looking into MAASU, the Midwest Asian American Students Union. As President, I start a $500 scholarship at CLC. We fund raise using fried rice. We also join MAASU for a three year membership. I am elected to MAASU as a secretary or something. That’s how I started in ASA too. Also start a multicultural soccer tournament. With trophies and shit.
  • I apply to UIC for Business entrepreneurship and UIUC for East Asian Languages and Cultures. Honestly, I should have set my sights higher at UIUC, because it was fairly easy to transfer in. I could have gone for business or something more meaningful from the get go – but that was what I was doing for funsies at CLC, taking Asian classes. I ended up getting into both of them.
  • I visit UIUC a lot to see my girlfriend.
  • Our relationship is probably at its best long distance. Although she talks about guys. I assume this is to make me jealous.

~UIUC~

  • I transfer to UIUC as an EALC major. I rationalize this as being because the name is better than UIC, but in reality it’s because my girlfriend and tons of my friends go to UIUC. The student life is more active as well, which is a legitimate reason to go.
  • In my first semester, I segue quickly into investigation. I meet advisors, poke into buildings and talk to administrative people.
  • I live in Townsend, second floor, with a Korean roommate named Dae Hoon.
  • I have a revelation that is remarkably prescient.
  • My girlfriend convinces me to try to rush for a business fraternity. I fail to get in. They fail to realize my brilliance and are rejected from my life.
  • I am pretty set on not getting involved in clubs and whatnot. My gf does the opposite. I just chillax.
  • I do fashion show for the first time as a result of my gf. It is fun.
  • I take two influential classes: PHYS 211 and EALC 398/ANTH 499. Anthropology makes me want to switch out of EALC as fast as possible, while Physics makes me consider Electrical Engineering, Math, or Physics. As it is, I’m trying to switch into Economics.
  • My Econ test goes bad and I drop econ. I am used to CLC style tests which are conducted during normal class time, so I find out about an Econ mid term a week after it happens.
  • I register for ECE 110 for next semester and decide to challenge myself to the hardest major on campus.
  • I get on Dean’s List for Spring ’08.
  • Summer of 08, I think we go to California. Yes. My brother got married and we were in town for a cousin’s wedding as well. No classes.

Year 3

  • Now I live in Wardall with a Taiwanese roommate named Penn.
  • ECE 110 is challenging. Let’s be honest. The reason I breezed through it without doing too much work is because of two flukes – my teammates were awesome (shout outs, Tee!) and we got a digital board for our car.
  • PHYS 212 is also challenging, but it’s a lot of fun as well. Meanwhile, I continue to take EALC classes, aiming, I assume now, for a minor.
  • Relationship begins degrading.
  • On the upside, my grades are probably the best in the hard sciences that they have ever been!
  • Switched into ECE during Spring semester
  • Broke up with my gf. Mentally unstable for a variety of reasons, this chief amongst them. Stress in ECE 190 mounts. BIOE 406 and EALC 484 keep my afloat in terms of grades. 484, Buddhist Meditations with Alexander Mayer, also keeps me afloat mentally/spiritually.
  • I finish the semester completely broken. 2 A’s, 2 B’s, one C+. I am put on probation.
  • I spend the summer back home, recovering. Reading. Academic development <<< Personal Development. I start with The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Then I mistakenly pick up Seth Godin books instead of David Sedaris. I think they are the same people. Seth gets me into a business groove. I begin reading voraciously.
  • I begin writing again.
  • I dance in the AAA Fashion Show. I accidentally join all the scenes. This proves to me definitively that I suck at dancing.
  • I join the VSA Family Day scene, following a girl I have a crush on. This brings me into contact with Don Mach, who, by way of his dances, convinces me that maybe I should look into this dance thing.

Year 4

  • I half-heartedly attempt ECE again, but I decide that it’s not for me. The semester is mostly spent relaxing. Except for November.
  • In November, I write my first completed NaNo.
    “You will win this challenge, and then you will move onto the next challenge, and you will fail many, many times, if past history is any indicator, but then you will succeed. This month, you rewrite the endings to all your stories.”
  • I unofficially quit school. I have checked out.
  • Tricking club on quad day. It was a beautiful bit of improvised advertisement with Anthony Wang.
  • As for tricking practice sessions, I declare simply that I will be practicing Fridays at 7, fuck everyone else’s schedule, and if you want to practice with me, then so be it.
  • Switched out of ECE, back into EALC.
  • Was totally a hippie. But like I said, I’d checked out. Took a bunch of classes for EALC. I essentially blew everything off, though.
  • Second semester, started hanging out with Don more as a person instead of a dance instructor. We’re kind of in the same boat – EALC majors just wanting to get out.
  • Summer is fucking awesome. Besides being fucking depressing. But other than that, seriously start work on businesses and whatnot.
  • Living in an apartment is good and bad. Having my own room is great. Having to do chores and cook is not that great.

Year 5

  • Almost part time. Completely checked out.
  • I live in a car.
  • Car is awesome. Cold is terrible. Chiropractor is necessary for extended stays in Corolla.
  • Passed classes with D’s. Failed one.
  • Part time (1 class). Chinese. I really hope I pass. But even so, I’m done with this game.
  • Living in an apartment with my cousin is the best.

I left out a lot of details, but…those are just details.

My First Car

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My first car was an aged Mitsubishi Galant. It was a hand-me-down from a friend who was moving away. I was at a community college and needed a cheap ride.

The deed says he sold it to me for $1, but he also bought me fried icecream at a Mexican restaurant to the tune of $4. That he essentially paid me to take his car probably should have been a warning sign.

I drove it home and discovered that it sounded like a 100HP Magic Bullet when I started the engine, it leaked oil constantly, and I could see the asphalt through the gearshift box. I was sure that it would explode into a ball of fire upon hitting 60mph, so I never took it on the highway.

But despite having to buy oil along with my gasoline, despite sliding into snowbanks on treads that weren’t worth replacing, and despite being absolutely sure I was going to die in it, I grew to love my Shitsubishi as it shuttled me through college.

My dad drove it once. “Too dangerous,” he said. So we donated it.

We murdered someone that day.

Life is Full

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     I guess a quick recap of my life so far would not be out of order.

     Running continues to be a boon in my life. Not so much running, as the excuse to get together with some buddies and chat while crunching miles. I’ll admit, I’m a social runner.

     Tricking is becoming a really big part of my week. With open gym available 4 days out of the week, conditioning Tuesdays, and open session on Fridays, there’s a lot of shit that I could be busy with. Not to mention trying to get the club to a point where I’m not afraid it will implode like ASA. Okay, ASA didn’t implode, but I don’t recognize it anymore.

     Dance remains as fickle as ever. But I think we’re drawing closer, she and I, in her own distant way.

     Working at the dining hall has taught me so many things. But chief among them is that, I don’t need to care about the job to work there, just the people. I LOVE my dining hall buddies!

     In the process of breaking my no-employment rule. I just suck and have not gotten around to it. I have very little time. The time usage transition will probably be very rough and I’ll need some solitude in order to get everything straight before I go for employment.

     I think I’m beginning to feel where I want to improve myself and where I’d be happy to let other people help me. I want to keep improving at dance, singing, spoken word, and being a better friend/person. Finding awesome people. What else? Writing. I’m on the fence about writing code, but I’ll probably go for it. In fact, I will. And let’s see…math up to DiffEQ and Linear Algebra. Other than that…I’m not entirely sure.

     People are always worth it. Taking more chances. Vulnerability. Courage. Stories.

     That’s my life.

Daniel Wrong

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     A couple of nights ago, my little sister and I were talking about middle school. As it so happens, middle school, specifically fourth grade in my case, was perhaps the most defining year of my life.

     My middle school, Daniel Wright, featured public humiliations by teachers, emotional abuse, betrayal by the people who were ostensibly there for our betterment. They even turned my own parents against us, so that the hell didn’t end once I got off of the bus. So I stayed home as much as possible. Played sick. I learned to hate everyone. I learned to disengage. I learned that trusting authority meant that authority could hurt you.

     Little did I know that my sister was going through a very similar experience at the same time, at the same school. We were almost unconscious of each other, I think because we were both very young and very focused on our own pain. Side by side, and both unknowingly going through the same things. But where my response was a middle finger to the sky, to anyone ontop, to God Himself, my sister’s response was probably a bit more constructive. Where I withdrew into myself and developed a deep rebellious streak, she became spiteful. She resolved to prove that, despite her teachers telling her she would amount to nothing, she would become successful instead. With the help of her relationship with God, she worked through it.

     I discovered only a core of Self, fueled by fury and hatred. But where do we stand today? My sister is a highly motivated and successful president of a club at UIC, a good student, and a devoted Christian. She has an ability to rally people. She has held a job for years and was offered a full time position there recently. I, on the other hand, have never held a job for longer than a year, if we’re being generous, and the number of organizations I’ve quit is about equivalent to the number of organizations I’ve joined.

     That’s one side of the coin. The other side is that I am dependent on no one for a sense of security. I am beholden to nobody except myself. If I fail, it’s because I set the bar myself. If I succeed, it’s solely because of myself. I could be a janitor and be happy, because I’d be doing my own thing. In many cases, I am interested in what I can do by myself, skillsets that I can improve on my own.

     But I’m beginning to think I’ve taken that “flip the bird” mentality as far as I can go and still be satisfied. Yes, it’s good that I am happy with who I am. But in order to develop further, I need to care about other people more.

     I was going to write “I need to care about other peoples’ opinions more,” but that’s farther than I’m willing to go right now.

Peace,
Brian Kung

PS, I’m no longer living in my car. Apartment living, woo!

Money

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     I have a problem. I don’t know what to think about money.

     On one hand, I believe that it is not necessary. There are many accounts of this, so I won’t go into detail. My basic hypothesis is something like this: The good that people can do for each other is incalculable in terms of economics. For example, a baker can make bread. He can either sell the bread for $2 a loaf, or he can give it to someone who is starving. For the person who is starving, the bread is worth infinitely more than $2. And the baker makes more than one loaf of bread per batch. Therefore, the baker regularly creates an infinite supply of value.

     If basic needs can be met this way, our wants can be met through time expense or bartering. We want what we can’t have. What we can’t have is that which is outside of our expertise to acquire. What we are paying for when we pay for a service is time – time spent learning, time spent executing said skill, time spent building or crafting. In this equation, time is almost literally equivalent to money. In an ideal world, bartering would work perfectly.

     Of course, I’m a dreamer. This shit doesn’t work. Just ask Communism. The root problem is that our needs and our wants are not entirely separable, as sad as that is to me, and those who won’t give up their wants for others needs jeopardize the entire system. But, as a dreamer, I would like to see the world progress toward the ideal. Someday, maybe, we can figure out how to get rid of this money business.

     On the other hand, if I am to follow the herd and begin to acquire currency, then I have to have justification for it. I have to have things that I want to spend money on, and this is primarily the reason that I’m awake and writing right now. What do I want money for? This is a basic question, but it conflicts with my other view that money isn’t necessary whatsoever. If I go with my usual answers, I will have to ignore that belief, which is a source of dissonance for me.

     Let’s do it anyway. What do I want money for?

  • My debts and my family members’ debts.
  • Basic needs
  • Food – because the appreciation of food is its own aesthetic
  • Creative ventures – cool, funny, or weird ideas I want to make reality and share with others
  • Among creative ventures we might as well place businesses and art.
  • Art – experiences that I appreciate.
  • Gifts – things or experiences that make people happy.

     A lot of those are almost interchangeable. Basically, in order of importance: basic needs, debt, and Art, though the latter two are arguable. Philosophically, I would prefer Art take precedence, but realistically, debt and repayment is more important to me. I can’t conscientiously ignore my debt to someone and continue on as if that extension of their faith meant nothing to me.

     On a side note, I like the definition of Art as an experience that is appreciated. With that definition, it makes a gift the natural expression of Art and Love, which, according to the Buddhist definition I subscribe to, is wanting others to be happy.

     That said, I estimate basic needs once I’m fully operational to be:

  • Rent (or equivalent): around $800 per month.
  • Food: Around $50 a month.
  • Water: Roughly $15 a month.
  • Annual total: $10,380

     Hypothetical debts for my entire family are probably…nearly incalculable. However, let’s just count my siblings. I’m going to assume $50,000 debts for college for all of them, excluding myself, because I will be at around $14,000 when I graduate. $164,000 for myself and all my siblings. And let’s say theoretically that my parents maxed out a business banking account for loans at $500,000. So, all in all, debts number around $664,000.

     In order to meet basic needs and debt, I would have to pull in $674,380 in a single year, or $2593.76923 per day, or $324.221154 an hour, assuming 8 hour work days and 260 work days in a year.

     I wonder how I could do that. Then again, assuming that all four of my siblings tackle it, it would be significantly easier. We’d only have to be fully employed at roughly $80 an hour.

     Anyway, once that debt is gone, I guess the rest of life begins.

     Suddenly, I am having doubts about my earlier prioritization.

The Art of Seduction

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     A few years ago, I was challenged by a friend to read Neil Strauss’s book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick Up Artists. Basically, it followed the journey of the author, Neil Strauss, as he struggled to gain mastery over the art of picking up women. He made himself into a new person, with a new name: Style. No woman could resist Style.

     After reading through this tome and following the progression of Style from a zero to a pick up pro, I began to apply the concepts and strategies to my own life. It was difficult at first. It seemed like how to be rejected was the only thing I was learning. But slowly, I began to have minor successes, which snowballed into major successes and before I knew it, I had 9′s and 10′s fighting over me in clubs and making me eggs in the morning.

     Yeah, that was all bullshit. A nice story, though, right?

     I read the book, but what I took away from it was at once more and less than the Art of Seduction. What I took away from it was more like footnotes for something more important to me – the Art of Life. What had happened to change Neil Strauss was entirely his doing. The person he had become was completely himself, yet completely and thoroughly put together in a conscious way to attract women. This resonated with me on some level, but I wouldn’t know how to put the pieces together until I talked to a friend about it much later.

     Pickup made me uneasy. Pickup artists struck me as inauthentic, craven beasts who calculated every move. I would read someone’s opinion online that pickup artists viewed women as nothing more than masturbatory aids, and I agreed. It felt that it was demeaning to women and dehumanizing. There was a part of me that was tempted to try it out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It didn’t fit with what I believed, it could end up hurting people, and I was too scared.

     Years later, I would meet a real pickup artist, though his days were behind him, at least for the moment. We became good friends. Finally, when the topic came about during a long drive, I asked my friend how pick up artists could be authentic, to which he responded that it was “about being yourself…about being your best self,” and furthermore that people only got hurt if you failed to communicate your intentions fully. He said he looked at it more as bringing adventure into girls’ lives. I began to realize that this was something I might be able to get behind. I began to realize that pickup and seduction could be a positive thing.

     But the biggest takeaway for me was that it was about becoming a better person by dint of your own hard work. “Better” was whatever you wanted better to mean…for pickup artists, that meant they attracted women. For me, while that may have played a part, the message was that wasn’t the best me that I could be…yet. And having a clearer idea of who that person was to me was a good first step. I figured if I was my best me, there’s no way I couldn’t also be attractive. Just live my life the best way I can think of, and everything else will fall in order. I still believe it.

     Recently, I began to delve into reddit’s seduction sub-community. After reading this guide and poking around the community for a bit, I found a post asking how pickup artists reconciled their seductive ways with long term relationships. There was a response about how everything was about power, which I didn’t think fully explained how an enlightened PUA viewed it. So I responded:

I’m responding to you because you seem to find this a place of darkness. Some things you should read up on:

Seduction – meaning “to lead astray,” or “to attract,” courtesy of quazzy.

Lifers v Gamers – Lifers use the game to better themselves, gamers use the game to take advantage of people.

With that out of the way, how I reconcile seduction with a real relationship very much so adheres to the definition of “to attract” and the goals of a “lifer.” The primary message of seduction, for me, is “to attract” by being yourself…not someone that you discover somewhere in the hinterlands of your soul, but someone who you create. It’s an uplifting message – that, whoever or whatever you consider yourself now, you can forge someone better out of it, better by standards that you set yourself.

I believe that you do not discover yourself. You create yourself. There’s a great book called “It’s not how good you are, it’s how good you want to be,” and the same goes for your personality. It’s not who you are, it’s who you want to be. If you have that going for you, your confidence will be attractive by itself, and if you want to be even more attractive, you can be that as well.
As for how this works out for long term relationships, the more comfortable you are being yourself, the more agency you have in your personality, the more likely you are to click with the right person, because you are putting out 100% your own personality. The only thing left is to find the right person. And getting to know someone, getting them to open up, is an important part of that.

There is a positive, affirmative way to look at seduction. Just ignore the gamers and the gamer mentality and seddit won’t be as dark a place anymore. I strongly hope that makes you less depressed about this subreddit, especially if you’re going to stick around.

     Basically…the way I see seduction is that if you’re good at life, you’ll do just fine at love.

     Tweakin’ out because I haven’t slept in 25 hours, so I’ll just leave it at that.

The Sing Off (Season 2)

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     I watched the finale of the Sing Off, Season 2, and I couldn’t stop grinning. In fact, an hour and a half later, I still can’t help but grin a little bit when I think about it. As the season wrapped up, I became more and more convinced of a feeling that I’d had all throughout the show.

     Every competition should be like this.

     The artists were united by their craft, but they also weren’t pitted against each other. They were humble. They rooted for each other. The judges weren’t always completely professional, which is a good thing in my opinion, but they were completely honest and understandable. They had insightful things to say. They were supportive. The MC wasn’t an idiot.

     And at the end, there were only winners left. Career wise, all of the groups were set and could book shows just by being on the show, and each one made it by virtue of talent. But besides career and skill, what I really meant was that, in the end, with two groups left, they spent more time hugging each other after the winner was announced than they spent paying attention to the MC who was trying to give them their prize. And that’s what singing is about. That’s what dancing is about. That’s what art is about. It’s about reaching out and bringing people together.

     So, Sing Off Season 3…bring it on!

Barefoot Breakthrough

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     I ran about 2 miles to Krannert today to undergo barefoot training. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do, but it was going to involve the pebble/rock beds ontop of the building.

     What I ended up doing was walking 10 large circles around the top of the building. My feet prickled with every step. At best, it bordered on pain. At worst, it was honestly painful. I wondered sometimes why I did this to myself and what I would do if I stepped on one of the many shards of glass I saw glinting in the lamplight.

     What’s worse was that the circle was enormous. The first two circles seemed to take forever, and I constantly reconsidered my decision to make 10 rotations. I decided to play wait-and-see until I was at 5 rotations, which took a godawfully long time. But something magical happened when I hit number 5. My brain saw that I was halfway done and sat up. I had done it once – now I only had to do it one more time. The last five times felt like they took half as long to complete.

     But more than that, around about number 7, my feet decided that they’d had enough of my shit and they were going to do things differently. Almost unconsciously, my feet started to move differently. The ball of my feet began to tip to meet the ground. That let my calves buffer my weight as I shifted forward onto that foot. It’s called fox stepping, and it was remarkably less painful.

     I also noticed afterward while I was walking on the concrete around Krannert, carrying my shoes, that my muscles all along the length of my legs were not comfortable with the new way I was walking. I was still fox stepping like I had on the pebbles, but I felt torsion in my leg muscles.

     What was happening was that while I was slowly walking on the pebble bed, my body had learned to optimize for forward movement with fox stepping. Instead of lazily pointing outward, my feet padded straight forward, continuing the along the line of motion. This carried over even when I was off the pebble bed. Normally, when I stand still and when I walk, my feet are splayed, pointing outward. Hold your hands up, fingers pointing to the ceiling. Now rotate both hands outward a bit, and that’s how my feet normally move. What fox stepping had done was to straighten them out and straighten my gait out.

     I could actually feel it! I could feel half an hour of training shoving up against the established habits of 22 years of incorrect walking. I have lost a lot of that sense while walking already, but it just makes me really excited to see how else my body’s biomechanics will change with more barefoot training. I really hope I’ll be able to apply these benefits to tricking and hopefully get injured less.