What Naked Feels Like


I step between the easels, watching their carefully casual gazes glide past my body. They had pointed me to a changing room, as if they weren’t going to see me nude, anyway. Beneath the clothes I change in and out of from day to day, I remain, for the most part, unchanged. No need for such a room.

I step onto the platform and suddenly I am Art, beyond vulgarity and eroticism, just lines and contours, shadows and highlights.

They can trick themselves, but I know the truth.

One girl draws me waif thin with sharp animal eyes, while a male student does for my manhood what quack medicine has promised for centuries. I almost point out the disparity in size, and then I remember that models aren’t supposed to comment. Besides, what guy wants an artist to draw him with a smaller dick for accuracy’s sake? I don’t know, and I can’t think of anyone besides myself.

Some admire, some desire, and some despise my nude body. But even nude, I’m covered in layers. Every day, I wear my “Asian” eyes, my “gymnast” physique. I wear black, black hair, the pride of my Chinese heritage. I wear flat feet and delicate hands.

Nude, I wear what others proffer. They drape me with coarse fabrics – “Asian” and “male” and “athlete” – with or without my consent. When I am nude before photographers or pencil artists, I wonder what it is they’ve clothed me in. But I will not apologize for my nudity, because what I wear when I am wearing nothing isn’t up to me.

Clothed or not, we are always nude. But I don’t know if we are ever truly naked.

I wonder what naked feels like – to be exactly what you are, with no concealing layers. I imagine that it’s a lot like being invisible. I imagine that it’s a lot like walking in a crowd on a busy day, mutually oblivious of the people around you.

I imagine that it’s a lot like wearing clothes.

The Torment of Solitude

All throughout high school, I went to the dances “stag,” which means I went by myself.

I was a strange one. I still am. But I was never afraid of being “strange,” or “weird,” or “stag.” Growing up, “weird” was always a compliment. Being the third of four kids was like being in a club where the weirdest and the most unique flashes of personality were marks of belonging, to be worn with pride, in lieu of tribal tattoos.

I am only beginning to appreciate how much support I received from my siblings just to be myself. It takes courage to  be yourself openly, flaws, deformities, and scars all exposed to the light where everyone can see them. Open to your greatest critic: yourself. My siblings, without my knowing, slowly inculcated a deep-rooted sense of courage in me.

In her TED Talk, Brene Brown recalls the definition of courage as being “to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.”  This rang like a clarion bell throughout my memories, whether it was throwing myself against the sky attempting to express with my body my frustration with gravity, learning to sing for the world, or standing face to face with a thunderstorm. All my life, I knew that my advantages, whatever they were, amounted to one thing: Courage.

Yesterday, I ran a few miles in the rain. A tornado warning had been issued, so people were rushing frantically through the rain to get to their homes and safety. I had been through worse. But the real reason I was running was because I could hear Nature slamming against the rooftop, demanding my tribute. So I went.

Just before I left my apartment, I paused and tried to think of  someone who would go with me. Names and faces rolled through my mind, but I could not think of a single person crazy enough to defy a tornado warning, willing to get dirty and wet for the sake of exhilaration, a breath of fresh Life. I left without a partner in crime.

Outside, I wondered what kept people inside. Fear? Of what? Truthfully, the only threat was falling branches. A lightning strike is one in a million and the cold and the rain are bearable, if not enjoyable. If you keep an eye out for trees, then the likelihood is that you’re perfectly safe. I’ve done it enough times. As the bass rumblings of thunder rolled through Frat Row and across campus, I wondered – did our ancestors’ hearts race as this primordial bass line prompted them to find shelter? To run from true danger? Pitch black, gale force winds, and confusing rain could have separated families. Today, we have street lamps, jackets, and GPS to help guide us back. But we still dance to the sounds of thunder.

I realized as I ran that it was much like starting a business. Most of today’s population believes that starting a business is too risky. And yet, entrepreneurship is the basis of value creation. Without entrepreneurship, there would be no jobs to work. Every big company began with a simple concept and a handful of people at best.  They started out small. And if they can do it, so can we, if we just watch out for falling branches.

I also came to realize that, with running in the rain as well as with starting a business, I will be alone.

After so many years, and so many close friends, I’ve found that very few are willing to entertain the thought of going into business. Fewer still, are willing to entertain the thought of going into business with a partner. And none, none at all, will jump at one of my ideas, no matter how compelling. I understand this. No one will do my job for me. No one will create the visions that I have. That responsibility is solely on me. It takes a leader to follow, and I would not follow promises of something good until I saw the product with my own eyes. And until I create something, I should expect nothing more from the people around me.

I had heard that new ideas need to be shoved down peoples’ throats, but I had never understood, viscerally, that nobody cares about your ideas until now. Theft of an idea is hopelessly vain, because nobody cares enough about your concept to steal it or buy into it. Not even your friends.

Truthfully, we are all alone. Life is not cut and dry. At best, it is a game, but it is a game in which we decide what success means, and it means something different for everybody. We are constantly creating our own game and playing it by ourselves. When you throw out all the rules but your own, the game you’re playing is a work of art. The canvas is blank. You may not even be using a canvas, but raw marble, or a brick wall. Life is art. It is up to you, and you alone, to determine what that piece of art looks like, feels like, smells like. What it means. How you want it to be received. Where you put it. Where you take it.

We are always alone in this. If you rule out death, then we have no choice but to continue alone.

Someday, we may be lucky to find close friends to share our art, our lives with, but the struggle of creation is still ours.

So be brave. Tell your story. Run in the rain.

We are all struggling, united in the torment of solitude.

Money

     I have a problem. I don’t know what to think about money.

     On one hand, I believe that it is not necessary. There are many accounts of this, so I won’t go into detail. My basic hypothesis is something like this: The good that people can do for each other is incalculable in terms of economics. For example, a baker can make bread. He can either sell the bread for $2 a loaf, or he can give it to someone who is starving. For the person who is starving, the bread is worth infinitely more than $2. And the baker makes more than one loaf of bread per batch. Therefore, the baker regularly creates an infinite supply of value.

     If basic needs can be met this way, our wants can be met through time expense or bartering. We want what we can’t have. What we can’t have is that which is outside of our expertise to acquire. What we are paying for when we pay for a service is time – time spent learning, time spent executing said skill, time spent building or crafting. In this equation, time is almost literally equivalent to money. In an ideal world, bartering would work perfectly.

     Of course, I’m a dreamer. This shit doesn’t work. Just ask Communism. The root problem is that our needs and our wants are not entirely separable, as sad as that is to me, and those who won’t give up their wants for others needs jeopardize the entire system. But, as a dreamer, I would like to see the world progress toward the ideal. Someday, maybe, we can figure out how to get rid of this money business.

     On the other hand, if I am to follow the herd and begin to acquire currency, then I have to have justification for it. I have to have things that I want to spend money on, and this is primarily the reason that I’m awake and writing right now. What do I want money for? This is a basic question, but it conflicts with my other view that money isn’t necessary whatsoever. If I go with my usual answers, I will have to ignore that belief, which is a source of dissonance for me.

     Let’s do it anyway. What do I want money for?

  • My debts and my family members’ debts.
  • Basic needs
  • Food – because the appreciation of food is its own aesthetic
  • Creative ventures – cool, funny, or weird ideas I want to make reality and share with others
  • Among creative ventures we might as well place businesses and art.
  • Art – experiences that I appreciate.
  • Gifts – things or experiences that make people happy.

     A lot of those are almost interchangeable. Basically, in order of importance: basic needs, debt, and Art, though the latter two are arguable. Philosophically, I would prefer Art take precedence, but realistically, debt and repayment is more important to me. I can’t conscientiously ignore my debt to someone and continue on as if that extension of their faith meant nothing to me.

     On a side note, I like the definition of Art as an experience that is appreciated. With that definition, it makes a gift the natural expression of Art and Love, which, according to the Buddhist definition I subscribe to, is wanting others to be happy.

     That said, I estimate basic needs once I’m fully operational to be:

  • Rent (or equivalent): around $800 per month.
  • Food: Around $50 a month.
  • Water: Roughly $15 a month.
  • Annual total: $10,380

     Hypothetical debts for my entire family are probably…nearly incalculable. However, let’s just count my siblings. I’m going to assume $50,000 debts for college for all of them, excluding myself, because I will be at around $14,000 when I graduate. $164,000 for myself and all my siblings. And let’s say theoretically that my parents maxed out a business banking account for loans at $500,000. So, all in all, debts number around $664,000.

     In order to meet basic needs and debt, I would have to pull in $674,380 in a single year, or $2593.76923 per day, or $324.221154 an hour, assuming 8 hour work days and 260 work days in a year.

     I wonder how I could do that. Then again, assuming that all four of my siblings tackle it, it would be significantly easier. We’d only have to be fully employed at roughly $80 an hour.

     Anyway, once that debt is gone, I guess the rest of life begins.

     Suddenly, I am having doubts about my earlier prioritization.

The Sing Off (Season 2)

     I watched the finale of the Sing Off, Season 2, and I couldn’t stop grinning. In fact, an hour and a half later, I still can’t help but grin a little bit when I think about it. As the season wrapped up, I became more and more convinced of a feeling that I’d had all throughout the show.

     Every competition should be like this.

     The artists were united by their craft, but they also weren’t pitted against each other. They were humble. They rooted for each other. The judges weren’t always completely professional, which is a good thing in my opinion, but they were completely honest and understandable. They had insightful things to say. They were supportive. The MC wasn’t an idiot.

     And at the end, there were only winners left. Career wise, all of the groups were set and could book shows just by being on the show, and each one made it by virtue of talent. But besides career and skill, what I really meant was that, in the end, with two groups left, they spent more time hugging each other after the winner was announced than they spent paying attention to the MC who was trying to give them their prize. And that’s what singing is about. That’s what dancing is about. That’s what art is about. It’s about reaching out and bringing people together.

     So, Sing Off Season 3…bring it on!

February Dance Reactions

Dance Journey Final Performance 25

Twitter version:

  • 7:30 – Show more or less beginning. I hope I won’t regret this. Modern dance really isn’t my thing.
  • 8:00 – Oh god, kill me. Another hour and a half of this? I wish I had brought my laptop.
  • 8:01 – People discussing the “meaning” of the “piece.” This ain’t dance. I call bullshit.
  • 8:30 – Well, this one isn’t bad. Perhaps there is hope.
  • 9:00 – It’s crunch time! Time for the flash mob dance!
  • 9:01 – NOT KNOWING THE CHOREOGRAPHY FAILLLLL
  • 9:02 – POORLY TIMED UNNECESSARY FLIP FAIL

I’ll be sure to post the video of our flash mob dance when it goes up!

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]